Happy or not happy?

I got to thinking. What does it take to really be happy? Truly happy? I realize that life can sometimes suck and things become too much. I'm going though that right now. Trying to remain happy, uppy or positive when there isn't much to feel that was for its kinda nasty. When you are truly alone how do you feel?

I am alone right now and to be honest, I don't know. I feel burdened, and I feel like I failed. I had big dreams for my life. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be a lawyer, advocate, philosopher, journalist, actress, singer, dancer, missionary, wife, mother and although I have been or done some of those things, I am presently only some of those things when I read at home or sing in the car, or help the stranger I see needing someone. Some of these I haven't accomplished yet. I don't see how or when I can.

Money is a real issue. My car is falling apart, I am hugely in dept, and all while I was trying to accomplish my dreams. I never got to complete school because I got sick and it then student loans said I had to pay them off before I could go back. I haven't been able to pay them back or any of the dept I have because my jobs have barely been enough to cover cost of living, and the car, let alone any dept. My family is unable to help. Some care more for themselves, and others have illnesses that need me to take care of them. Like for example I'm supposed to go help my Father today but I don't really have the gas for it, but he just had another major surgery so I can't really say no and I wouldn't want to but he doesn't have cash to give me for gas either.

Anyways, I am 29 and feeling a little helpless. I had started this blog thinking it'd be a nice outlet. Putting my thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see, and now I wonder if anyone has even read it?!?

Either way this is all for now.

Peace, love and light!