sorry

I wish that this wasn't so difficult for me. But it sometimes is and it sucks. I try and try and really want to post things everyday and make this interesting for my readers, but then I get discouraged, and think no ones reading, and no one cares. Then of course life hits ya in the head and you get swamped with it and school, and everything else.

I love writing here, I think it's fun, and I hope some people get something outta it. I was supposed to put in a weigh in update but that will have to wait till Wednesday. I don't expect too much because I was lay weighed from the gym for a bit. But hey one can hope right?

Would love to hear from yas!

The weekend.

So life's been kinda busy, but apparently that not always a bad thing because time goes by faster, but it's moving too fast right now.

The gym is good, been going more. So can't wait for next weight in.

School is crazy, but it will be worth it. HOW ARE YOU GUYS/GALS??? Sorry I had nothing for so long. I didn't mean to do that. I'd love to hear from yas, and know how your doing. Please comment!

I have a lot on my mind the past couple of days, and have to make some pretty intense life changing decisions, and I really have no one to turn to for advice. So maybe if I get a comment from a loyal viewer, I'll post it here and maybe you guys/gals, can help me out.

Peace, love and light!

Sorry for the hiatus.

I didn't mean to disappear but I did. Sorry. I do have a lot to chat about, and would love to hear opinions. But I have 4 chapters to read right now, so I can't do it now, I'm sorry. Please check in for sure on the weekend to have a chat with me.

Peace.

Sunny day.

Probably the last sunny day of the summer where it might be warm enough for me to go swimming so I did! It was wonderful. All the other times and the disturbingly coldness was worth it to be able to go and swim today it was beautiful. So I thought I'd take a picture and upload it. It's a little difficult to see me, but you can def see the pretty beach! Oh and the AWESOME boat behind me.

Its been a little crazy...

Right now doing some certifications. Some have been heavy so far. Just did suicide prevention and that was HARD. Actually had to witness a suicide that was violent, graphic, and disturbing. It made me cry and still a little disturbed by it, but I wanted to come on and say HI to all my readers. I promise I will write tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure I said HI.

Comment, subscribe!
Peace, love and light!

Just so sick...

Of being told that your the problem, and you have issues, when the person saying this has more issues then you. It's like when someone provokes you into reacting a certain way then you get blamed for your reaction, but you were completely provoked. SO it really wasn't your fault. Unless your a monk who has superior self-control. People think weird things. I'm so confused as to why some blame their problems on others. Like its something they struggle with or their problem, and they like project it onto you. Its so difficult to handle.

Sorry for the rant, appreciate you reading,
comment/subscribe.

Just saying....

People everywhere do realize that those button you push to notify the cars so you can cross the street, have not power over making the cars stop right? So if you push that little button over and over, all you're doing is making funny noises, your not stopping the cars. ALSO when they are places that it's supposed to notify the traffic light, the more you push it doesn't change the light any faster.

Just saying. Putting it out there.

Thanks for the page-views, please subscribe, and comment.
Peace, love and light.

A few days ago...

I went to the beach with my partner and we were having a great time. It was awesome till their EX showed up with their new spouse. Then everything went down hill. I still went into swim, (water was actually ok), but my partner didn't want to stay anymore, so I couldn't lay out and tan or even dry off. The thing I didn't get was we were having a good time. Their EX was the ones that seemed fake. After they realized it was each other she started acting different with her spouse and their dog. They walked the length of the beach, and when they were coming back they literally stopped right in front of us and she started playing with the dog, in almost too obvious way to try and show "how happy she is now," and i was thinking, "if your so great you wouldn't need to put on a show for your EX."

I don't understand people like this. I see it all the time. It's a little sad. IT was quite silly because it was noticeable. Like her and her spouse weren't acting like that till they realized her EX was on the beach and she wouldn't stop staring. So it was a little frustrating. I know I should be a frustrated with my partner because they didn't have to let it wreck our day, but they did, which isn't cool.

Why fake happiness anyways? Your either happy or your not, that can be for just a time, or in general, but you/we need to love the life we live, and be happy in the now, rather than any other scenario.

My motto for right now: LOVE THE LIFE YOU LIVE!!!

Peace, love and light!
(comment,and subscribe).

Beach

Just got back from the beach and it was disturbingly cold, but I still went in and went under a few time to get cooled off. I just had to share with you all that it was an awesome day. I keep thinking things like, I can't wait till I'm smaller and able to enjoy certain things, but I still try to LOVE life as much as I can, and I wanted all of my readers to know that no matter what people think of you or no matter what you are going through, it is possible to love the life you live.

Short weeks, plus wedding, makes for super fast time flying by.

Sorry again for not posting. I did go back to the gym, and weigh in, then the week flew by, and I had to go to a wedding, and I wasn't able to get online much the weekend I was gone, then I come back home and I'm like opps it's Sunday again and I haven't posted and people are going to be annoyed.

I am sorry and I hope I can get yas back. I will be sure to post more often and regular like I was doing, even something little everyday. IF I will not be able to post for a bit, I will let you all know.

AGAIN really sorry.
Hope to hear (comment) or see yas (pageviews) again soon!

So sorry =(

Its been too long since my last post. I am sorry to all my faithful readers. I did do my weigh in and I hit 325 LBS. It is exciting to me because I was bouncing between 335 and 330, so being down to 325 is so awesome. IT makes me happy but it's still not where I want to be.

How are you all doing? I have a couple of week long courses so its been hectic, but I need to post so you don't stop reading and hate me for not positing more often!

Please engage with me!
Feel free to comment and subscribe.
Peace, love and light!

Rest Period

So my rest period is almost over. I go back to the gym MONDAY! Weigh in day. I wish I had one of those scales that  told me my body composition rather than just my weight, because I can see muscle where I haven't seen muscle before. It's actually pretty cool. My belly is still my belly, but I feel that will take longer to loose.

Anyways, I've been looking for oil of clove (clove oil) for weeks now. Everywhere I go they don't have it or its for sent only. So I contacted a few health food stores and nothing. It sucked.

THEN, I got an email from on AMAZING gentleman who (after hearing my current circumstance), felt compassion for me, and is ordering it in for me, and then on top of that NOT CHARGING me for this one, because I've been dealing with the pain FOR SO LONG, and I'm in a rough spot financially.

How awesome is that. These things don't happen to me, so I'm still in shock. I told him, I'd find a way to pay, and he was so great he said no the only payment he requires is hopefully the clove oil working to take away the pain, and IF it does writing him a testimonial on the product. WOW, shocked, amazed, SO awesome.

Comment, subscribe, and keep reading!
Peace, love and light!

Not that I really care but...

I got my haircut yesterday, it's still long but there's some really shorter layers and such through it, I thought it looked different, but I was teetering on whether or not it was enough of a change. I guess it wasn't, I even wore my hair down today, and not a single person noticed. So I guess its not different enough.

Meh whatever, I'm not mad, I just hoping someone would notice, or maybe they did and didn't want to say the didn't like it so they said nothing.

Thanks for all the page-views today and from what I can tell from the area of Russia!!

Comment and keep reading!
Peace, love and  light!

Wondering.

Ever wonder why it seems like some people just always have to try and state that something can't be the way you say it is because they haven't experienced it? I have a lot lately. Like there's things I've mentioned that people are like, that can't be true, or it can't be right, or I didn't have to do that, and it's like I wanna scream ATTENTION WORLD, just because you've never come across it or experienced it yourself, doesn't mean its not a very real thing. Have you ever looked into it? Maybe you should look it up before you say something can't be true just because you haven't experienced it.

We live in a small part of the world, so I am 100% positive there is things I have not experienced that truly exist. I would never tell a man fro Italy, who is telling me of some experienced he's faced that it cannot be true. How could I? But among out own country  it seems like people think its just okay to say, nope that's not true, even though their only basis for that is the simple factor of they have not experienced it.

Keep reading, feel free to comment (I even removed the word verification to make it easier)!

Peace, love and light!

SORRY

Sorry it had been a bit, I had alot come up and I wasn't even able to get near a computer, I am so sorry. I will give you all the updates within the next couple days, but one thing I wanted to try and share was a video I just watched, please watch it!!

Share this with everyone!! PLEASE!

This video made me and everyone I was watching it with (even MEN) cry. This is CRAZY BAD, the stats are for the US only but from the reports I've heard this pertains to Canada (and everywhere) just as much. stop leaving kids and animals in cars, it's stupid, you wouldn't sit in the car hot for 10 mins, why leave your CHILD in the car, ALONE?!?!?

Break.

So it's been beautiful this weekend so I decided not to go to the gym. I will be going back tomorrow  so I will let you know my progress.

I wanted to run something by my readers. You guys or gals never comment, however you check me out, so I'm gonna put this one out there.

I went to a beach today, there's 3 coves or inlets, or separate beaches to it. They are all connected but one is the furthest away. It is classified as the NUDE beach. I really wanted to go, I'm a hippie (if you haven't figured that out yet), and its something I wanted to experience.SO I went with this guy who said he'd be cool with it, but when we got there he wasn't.

SOOO have any of you ever gone to a nude beach? If so what do you think? ALL SHAPES AND SIZES, because remember I'm still 330lbs right now.

Let me know please,
Peace, love and light!

How are you?

How are you? How are you doing? Are you doing good? 

Feeling like the only person who actually believes in something spiritual right now.Why does something as vast and diverse as religion has to annoy so many. IF you don't believe in anything, that's okay, it's your right and its totally acceptable that you don't, but that shouldn't mean that you make others feel bad for what they believe. I ALSO strongly believe that if you are someone who does believe that you should show the same respect and not make other person feel bad. In the same respect I think that people who are religious should respect other peoples beliefs. Why fight over something that is supposed to make you better? 

Why is it SO impossible to just be at peace with each other?

I'll post more later, or tomorrow, I'm gonna try to get swimming today! Thanks for being here. 

Peace, love, and light!

Alone

Being alone is not always a bad thing. Being alone, truly alone allows you to see things in a different perspective, and take to really reflect a situation, and really see what's going on. You stop and just be. It's actually quite awesome. The only thoughts, remarks, actions, even judgments are simply your own. Being alone can be a choice, the want to be isolated from others or excluding others, and when you are you can realize unique things about yourself, and really know you. I've always believe knowing who you truly are and being okay with that is one of the best things in the world.

Loneliness is another thing, wanting companionship, a feeling that is causing a depressed feeling because your alone, can be hard to deal with. Just because it isn't the choice of wanting to be alone, you want to be with others, surrounded, and doing things, but at that moment you cannot. So when those feeling come, allow them in and acknowledge this is how you feel and then choose to better the day and want to be alone.

This is what I am trying to put into practice today, because I am affected by the feeling of loneliness, but like I said I don't mid being alone, so I've got to try to make it better.

Thanks for sharing part of my thoughts, and day.
Peace, love and light!

Sweet.

So still a little messed up from my allergic reaction from yesterday, was advised not to go to the gym because of the weirdness in feeling it could exaggerate my reaction and I might pass out. So I didn't go. I am going tonight though after  I go home, chill, sleep, and hopefully feel a lot better, and I plan on going later, tonight it's open 24 hours so maybe even after midnight.

Today in school has been pretty much a debate class, which is kinda fun. I like it. Now we're just working on assignments, but just before this I hear a duck sound in the hallway. Then we saw a baby duck go by, it was awesome. I went out to the hallway to see them, and they were so fantastic. It really made my day. I'm so glad there was no reason for it, someone just randomly decided to bring in some duckies!

So leaving you with cuteness!
Peace, love and light!

Feeling awful.

I had an allergic reaction last night. There was one piece of shrimp in my chicken fried rice and that did it. I had a nasty reaction to it all night (I'm actually deathly allergic to all fish and seafood), and this morning when I woke up I thought I would be better, but I just felt tired, then I got to school, and realized I'm still fighting off the reaction, and I didn't bring my epi-pen or benadryl. It's in the latter stages of the fight, but it's still kicking my ass.

I am hoping I will feel better tonight because it's gym night! So here's hoping. =) I wanted to say I'm glad for the fact I have so many page-views yesterday! That's so awesome. Thanks.

Peace, love and light!

Weight

Still at 330 LBS. Man this can be so frustrating. I did just start a new routine though, so maybe it needs time to work out a bit.

I gutta run, but I did say I'd send in a weigh in, so I wanted to keep to my word.

Thanks for viewing, comment, or subscribe.
Peace, love and light!

Sunny

This weekend was a pretty weekend. I did end up going to the beach but it was WAY too cold to actually go swimming, but I'm told going to a lake would be smarter, so maybe that will be my next weekends excursion. I love swimming.

How is your life? How are things going with you? Are you feeling happy or are you just surviving?

I like it when I feel good. Like this morning I woke up in just a good mood, but there's some days I just feel like getting out of bed, or breathing is a chore. Loosing weight is not as easy as some make it out to be. I feel defeated most days I look in the mirror. I weigh myself tonight so I'll let ya know about that tomorrow.

Just know that although this isn't the most intuitive or creative blog, it's just me trying to connect to you. So comment, subscribe, but please keep reading.

Have a great day and we'll chat tomorrow!
Peace, love and light.

Shoes.

Okay so this is one of those days where I feel like a huge girly girl. I was able to go get myself an early GRAD present from post secondary (I'm 32 years old). So I went to my plus sized store that now is selling shoes, and for the first time ever I was able to put on shoes and they fit, were sturdy and comfortable. One is like a dressy sandal, and the other is a wedge sandal. I am needing to practice walking in the wedge shoes, but they are SUPER cute and I was so excited I wanted to share that excitement with you.

So here they are, and I hope you like them.
Thanks again for reading and being apart of my life, feel free to comment!
Peace, love and light!

quick one

so i had to present a project today, and i did really well. today was/is beautiful out, and a couple things happened that upset me and i had to try to chill out, so i went for a walk into the woods, and i was going hard, found some water, splashed my face and arms, then when i got back out to the car to drive to go home, i noticed i was pretty cut up from the branches and such, so i came home and put iodine on my cuts, but even with the cuts i feel so much better, i love walking in the woods, now i need to sleep in the dirt next to a fire again.

oh and trying out a new workout to see if i can get some better results, last weigh in i was 330lbs still, so trying out something a little different!

thanks for sharing in my life,
peace love and light.

Hello all

Pretty rough weekend. I'll be super happy when I am done school and able to work. It's kinda a double edged sword. I am not fond of my school as an institution, but I am super happy for the education and the career opportunity after. I want to work to make money, and start getting my life on track. I am in my 30s and it would be nice to finally get  some headway. I want to travel, and I want to do things. Living month to month, and running out of everything from food to bathroom tissue is harder than I would like it to be. Accepting all donations...(hehe, I'm sure everyone feels this way from time to time). Know this is short, but just want to make the habit of signing on everyday, and checking this out more often!

Peace, love and light!

I have been seeing some people actually looking at my blog lately. That's awesome and creates a sense of necessity to make sure I get a post out there. I see some views were from Russia, which is kinda nice, I was actually thinking about trying to teach out there at one point, before I went to school, I was seriously looking at trying to go over to teach and work.

I am a little stressed at school, this subject is harder then most for me to grasp, and I have an exam tomorrow, so I am trying to get all the information I need.

I did want to mention that I have been going to the gym 3 times a week. I do cardio and resistance training. I've been staying at around 330 LBS, I am being told that my body composition is changing however because muscle is denser than fat, my weight is staying at this state. I am getting upset. I am big, and I am working hard and I would love to see results, and it's hurting me that I can't. To me even though my body composition (body fat to muscle ratio), that's awesome, but I don't look any different to me. I want to see some changes in the way I look.

However I will keep on keeping on and I will keep updating this so that others will be encouraged. I also hope that people will start finding this and realizing that I'm just a woman from a small palce, and this is an attempt to feel connected to something bigger. I don't have many connections, so I hope to find some.

Peace, love and light!

So its been awhile again, sorry about that. I've been recently going through some thought changes. I used to be Miss Positivist, always believing that everything works out for the good and it will always end up good, even through the bad. Well it's been getting harder and harder to believe that when you see it over and over again that it's not like that.

I've been learning about theories and philosophy again and the conflict theory really stands out. Its basic premise is that people in power, or position of power, or those with prestige (status) are causing those who don't to be subordinate and lower them them, and they get away with it because their in power.

I mean look at the fact that two people could do the exact same thing, but because one's a doctor, and the other is poor and unemployed he gets away with it and the other doesn't. This happens because the Doctor, like politicians, lawyers, and things like that are seen as productive members of society and the other is not.

So that's my post for today, as I said before I will try to get on here to wrote more often. Keep reading.

Getting serious now!

I have been going over and over how to make this blog something special, but also something real, so instead of not coming on and posting random posts, I've decided to post whatever I feel. When I started this it was about me having a voice where I didn't have one, so that's what I am going to do.

I've been absent, A LOT of bad, good, then bad, has happened in my life. I am learning from this and moving onward and trying to move forward. One of the things I am trying to do is loose weight and become fit. So right now this is something I will be talking about.

I've been a big girl my whole life, like really, and when I say this I really want you to know like 364 LBS. I have been big for AS long as I can remember. So I'm not just this person who is thin but think shes fat, nope that's not me. I've been kinda saying over and over why can't I find something online about a BIG girl weight loss success story. Like someone like me, but they are scarce. I can't find any.

SO I am going to be one. This journey is just starting, and I am only doing weight loss for myself. No one else. I ALWAYS say we have to love ourselves just as we are or we will never love ourselves. I am a big girl, but I never let that stop me. I love me for just me, and I will always love me. Being bigger doesn't define how I feel about me, I DO. Anyone who is reading this that feels like your worthless, know that YOUR NOT. Only you can make yourself worthless if you allow that thought in. no one else can, not your friends, enemies, teachers, bosses, or even family.

I've had a family that mentioned my wright my whole life, literally even Christmas presents were weight loss stuff. I chose to LOVE ME for me, and not allow anyone to make me feel smaller. Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, "No one can make you feel inferior without you consent." No matter who it is in our lives only we control how people make us feel. I know I am probably making this sound easy, and if your struggling with this right now, your like, "Yeah, easy for her to say, but she really doesn't know what its like." I really do know what its like. REALLY, and that's why I want to tell others.

So I will be posting about my journey as it continues. I have been to the gym the past 2 nights, and I think going tonight. I am in a lot of pain, because last night I did what's called, training to failure. SO I am hoping to see some results. I'll even post weight loss, achievements, when I do.

Thanks for your time, and reading, and remember you, just YOU, are awesome, be just who you are.

Peace, love and light!