It's been awhile since I last posted anything. One in part I don't think anyone's reading, and two I moved into a place that needs ALOT of work so I am trying to get it looking decent.

In about 6 mins my alarm is going to go off to tell me to go and work out. This has been the plan since I moved was I'd start an exercise regime everyday in the morning. I have little to no ambition to start this today. I want to get in shape and I want to start working out, but there's so much to do around the house to get it looking decent.

I feel like I should get all that work done first then start. I am at least then I won't have a whole list of things to do plus work out, it will just be working out and up keeping the place. Maybe I will go outside for a short walk when the alarm goes off, and then start my at home workout when I get the living room situated to give me room.

That actually sounds smart. Go for a short walk outside today and clean the living room so that I can put down the yoga mat and work out in the living room tomorrow AM, and to make up for not going for it this AM I will workout for more then an hour tomorrow. Basically until I fall over. =D

Well this took me 6 mins to write, and now the alarm is sounding. I will go now and I will post more tomorrow. I should start making a better habit of blogging all the time too just to get me out there. I mean weather or not anyone reads it. I know what it says and sometimes it just helps to vent it out, even if the world isn't watching.

When will I?

Why is things incapable of turning out alright for me? No matter what I do, how much I hope and pray, things I believe should happen for me or I need to happen doesn't. I applied for a loan to get a car, and my Father decided to co-sign for me, and I didn't get approved although I was told that if I had a co-signer I would. So this was annoying to me because I got my hopes up, got all my friends praying and sending out positive energies so I'd be able to get this and it didn't happen. =( Very sad. I don't know what to believe anymore. Like if things I really need don't matter then what does anything matter in my life. I would love to magically get a check for 10,000$ in the mail but who's going to do that for me? UGH so annoying. When will I catch a break?

Decisions.

So I made the decision to forgo school for now and try to get some situations in order. I need a newer car, and to get finances in order and although a better education would help this it's not putting me in the calming mindframe that I was looking for.

I figure that if it was the right thing to do it would be causing WAY less stress then it is, and I have no motivation to make it happen. I want to focus on moving to a better place, cleaning and trying to get rid and sell things I don't need to try and provide some funds.

I am glad I have made the decision, I am at more peace then I've been in months, hence the delay in postings. I am excited to get things in order and get things going in an upward motion, then I will look at school. Just too much other stressors and adding one more isn't a great idea.

Anyways just a little update today. I will write more as more unfolds and as other things come to me that I just want to share. I plan to make postings regular and more then just random updates but also thoughts and poems or even philosophical things that I think of. I did major in philosophy at one point. =D

Peace, love and light!

Happy or not happy?

I got to thinking. What does it take to really be happy? Truly happy? I realize that life can sometimes suck and things become too much. I'm going though that right now. Trying to remain happy, uppy or positive when there isn't much to feel that was for its kinda nasty. When you are truly alone how do you feel?

I am alone right now and to be honest, I don't know. I feel burdened, and I feel like I failed. I had big dreams for my life. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be a lawyer, advocate, philosopher, journalist, actress, singer, dancer, missionary, wife, mother and although I have been or done some of those things, I am presently only some of those things when I read at home or sing in the car, or help the stranger I see needing someone. Some of these I haven't accomplished yet. I don't see how or when I can.

Money is a real issue. My car is falling apart, I am hugely in dept, and all while I was trying to accomplish my dreams. I never got to complete school because I got sick and it then student loans said I had to pay them off before I could go back. I haven't been able to pay them back or any of the dept I have because my jobs have barely been enough to cover cost of living, and the car, let alone any dept. My family is unable to help. Some care more for themselves, and others have illnesses that need me to take care of them. Like for example I'm supposed to go help my Father today but I don't really have the gas for it, but he just had another major surgery so I can't really say no and I wouldn't want to but he doesn't have cash to give me for gas either.

Anyways, I am 29 and feeling a little helpless. I had started this blog thinking it'd be a nice outlet. Putting my thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see, and now I wonder if anyone has even read it?!?

Either way this is all for now.

Peace, love and light!

Need a break!

Hello World,

I went to a job services program this morning to see about what I can do for funding for schooling. It was nice to talk to someone however they basically send you home with a whole bunch of homework to do to secure some options. Which I suppose isn't bad where as when I am finished I will know a lot of what I am looking at financially and how long it will take, plus knowing what the labor market will be are all positives.

I really could use a break. I don't like hand-outs or anything like that but life has basically shat out on me and I would love a chance to do something positive and something I love rather then constantly working at call center after call center, then on medical EI because call centers drive me nutty. I really can not handle having people yell at me for things that are not my fault. Like really you couldn't read your cell bill properly to know you'd be charged for those text messages you sent when you didn't have a test plan? Or really you didn't know that porn could be ordered right from your TV and you're just SOOOO positive that no one in your home would ever order that?!? Those things drive me. Take some responsibility! =D

Ahhh well such is life. I really hope though that something works out. I am heading toward financial ruin, and I need to be doing something that is worth my passion, something I can really get into and pour myself into. I love people, life and helping people and I would love to be able to do something worth while and leave my mark on the earth. Change something, or someone. Be a hero in someone's eyes. That would be awesome.

Well that's all for now.

More Soon!

Peace, love and light!

Just checking!

I am actually just trying this out. I've always wondered what it'd be like to have a blog, so I thought I would try. I was just thinking the other day how crazy things are. I'm unemployed, hoping to possibly do some schooling or something to better my life and yet I'm almost 30 trying to do this. There are just some jobs that are driving me insane and to do them any longer will drive me nutty. I just can't do it. So then I wonder, I'm in dept, and is going further in dept the answer? Well I guess this is it for my fist blog. Probably not the greatest, but I will post new and more soon!

Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and light!